The Kiss List Page 17

  Seth jumped where he stood. “Can I come with you?”

  Dad pointed a finger at him. “You’re supposed to help me today, remember?”

  “Help you with what?” I asked.

  Dad puffed out his chest. “A super secret thing we can’t tell you about.”

  Seth grinned. “That’s right.” His smile turned into a frown. “Sorry, Camille, but you’re going to have to manage without me.”

  “It’ll be tough,” I said, “but I think I’ll be okay.”

  Even though I’d been behind the wheel since Dylan had dumped me, I still got excited every time I slid into the driver’s seat. There was an exciting freedom about being by myself and regaining my independence.

  There were a few people at the batting cages, but not many. I was able to snag one with no one on either side of me. Sometimes having a buffer was nice when I needed to clear my mind.

  Mason had done wonders for my shoulders. They hadn’t felt that loose in the longest time. Val was good at what she did as well, but she’d never help me out. I doubted Mason would help me anymore, either, even if he did start dating Hayley.

  When I told her about his crush, she got this weird smile on her face that surprised me. Neither Kaitlyn nor Hayley had paid much attention to him before, but once I put him on my list, I think they opened their eyes.

  Hayley said she’d even reach out to him on social media. I hoped I hadn’t ruined everything for her, but she told me not to worry.

  Each swing of the bat let a part of my anxiety go. It felt so good to release some of the steam brewing inside me. I tried to think of different ways I could reach out to the team, but nothing came to mind. They’d made it very clear they wanted nothing to do with me.

  I thought about what Liam had said. Did I really want to let the team control my future? I wanted to play softball and being on the school’s team was the best way for me to showcase my talent. But then again, it would be nice to have them want me there.

  My chest was heaving in and out by the time the last ball flew from the machine. I hit the ball with everything I had, sending it flying to the other side of the cage and into the net.

  “It’s too bad you aren’t on the team.”

  I spun around to find Alejandro with his fingers linked through the fence. I lowered my bat. “I’m actually trying to think of a way to get back on. Have any brilliant ideas?”

  “Stop making out with guys?” He smirked, letting me know he was joking.

  I came out of the cage and took off my helmet. “Funny. But that wouldn’t interfere with my softball playing abilities.”

  He leaned against the fence and folded his arms. “Could interfere with your focus, though.”

  “I’m done letting boys control my feelings.” I leaned on the fence next to him and ran my fingers through my helmet hair. “I owe you an apology.”

  “For what?”

  I licked my lips. “For kissing you like that.”

  Alejandro pouted. “Why? It was fun.”

  I shoved his arm, making him smile. “It’s not about that. I’m in such a bad place emotionally right now. I shouldn’t be kissing any guys.”

  He rubbed the back of the neck. “Can I ask why you’ve been kissing around?”

  I sighed. I didn’t really want to tell him the truth. It was kind of embarrassing. But lying got me nowhere. “I had to prove that Dylan was wrong.”

  Understanding passed over his eyes. “Well, he was, in case you’re worried about that. I can say something if you’d like.”

  I twirled the bat in my hand. “I need to draw attention off all that stuff, not highlight it. But thanks.” I looked at him. “And I never kissed Liam or Mason. Those pictures were just taken at the perfectly wrong times.”

  “Should I feel honored I made the list?”

  A pang struck my heart. He really didn’t know about my list, but his words hit so close to home. “Of course.” I rubbed my forehead. “Do you think the rumors will ever stop?”

  He shrugged. “Eventually, people will find something else to talk about. If I could make a suggestion, though, stop putting yourself in questionable situations.”

  I snapped my fingers. “You know, you’re right. I hadn’t even thought about that!”

  He rolled his eyes at me, and I couldn’t help but laugh. It was nice to know that one of the guys wasn’t mad at me. I highly doubted Isaac was mad, either. The funny thing was, the two people I probably hurt the most are the two I didn’t actually kiss. Those rumors wouldn’t have been good for them. Isaac, Brady, and Alejandro would have no problem shutting down anything bad that was said about them, or they would use it to their advantage. Mason and Liam weren’t like that.

  Alejandro tapped my arm. “You should come to the bonfire next Friday night. A lot of the juniors will be there.”

  “Isn’t that the last place I should go?”

  “If you want people to stop talking, you have to make them. Show them the real you.” He pursed his lips. “I’m not sure if I actually even know who that is.”

  His words surprised me, but then they made sense. No one at school probably knew who I was anymore. I’d shut myself off when Dylan and I started dating. Then I went kiss crazy when we broke up. I needed a new and improved Camille—independent, loyal to her friends, hardworking, and fun to be around.

  “Thanks, Alejandro.”

  He grinned. “Any time.” He nodded to the cages. “Are you done, or do you want to go another round?”

  I returned his smile. “Definitely another round.”

  At least one little piece had been put back in place.

  Chapter 33

  Mom didn’t get home until almost nine that night. I found her in the office, talking on the phone with a client. She held up a finger when I came in, telling me to hold on.

  As she jabbered away, I checked out all the plaques and awards she’d received for being a lawyer. My mom really had done a lot for the community. But she’d slacked on her family in the process.

  I plopped down on the leather couch and kicked my feet up on the cushions. I almost checked my phone but remembered I’d left it upstairs. On purpose. The notifications hadn’t slowed down in the least, and I was sick of all the messages guys were sending me.

  After ten minutes, I thought about getting up, but Mom finally ended her call. She turned toward me.

  “What can I do for you, honey?” she asked, for once giving me her full attention.

  “I need some advice.” I laid the back of my head against the armrest of the couch and stared at the textured ceiling. “This week didn’t go as planned.”

  “Why not?” Her tone was invested, giving me the strength to really open up.

  “I really screwed things up with the softball team.” I sighed. “There are so many things I’d forgotten about since Dylan became my boyfriend.”

  “Okay.”

  “I’ve lost myself and a lot of my friends.” I folded my arms and rested my cupped hands on my elbows. “I’m just not sure what to do.”

  There was a long pause before she spoke, and it was then that I noticed she was typing away on her computer. “That’s nice.”

  I sat up. “Are you actually listening to me?”

  Click, click, click. “Uh huh.” But she was distant.

  I couldn’t take it anymore. All I wanted was a conversation with my mother. It didn’t even need to be that long. I just need guidance from her, which was what mothers were supposed to do. I hopped up from the couch and sprang toward her desk, shutting off her computer screen.

  Mom whipped around. “What are you doing? I was in the middle of an email!”

  “And I was in the middle of trying to talk to my mom!”

  She sat back. “What’s gotten into you? You’re never like this.”

  I threw up my hands. “How would you know that, Mom? You’d have to actually pay attention to me to know.”

  Her face looked liked I’d slapped her, which I had, with my words. “
Honey, that’s not . . .” She trailed off, staring at her computer screen.

  “That’s not what, Mom?” I waved my hand in front of her face until she looked at me. “Seriously, you’re the worst mom ever.”

  Shock and betrayal washed over her. “How could you say that?”

  I threw my hands around as I spoke. “I don’t know, Mom. Maybe because you’re never around? Maybe because I can’t talk to you about anything? Maybe because your clients are more important than your own family!”

  She stood. “That’s not true.”

  “Oh, it’s not?” I tapped my finger against my lip. “Interesting. So, where was I this past week?”

  She blinked, opened her mouth, and then closed it with a frown.

  “Softball camp, Mom. I was at softball camp.”

  “But you stopped playing softball.” Her words were slow and spaced apart, like she was trying to think.

  I balled my hands into fists. “Yeah, over a year ago. But then I told you I wanted to go to this camp, and I wanted you to take me to get new cleats.”

  “You did?” She looked like she was trying so hard to remember even a fraction of the conversation we’d had. “Was that during dinner?”

  I backed away from her. “It doesn’t matter.” I wiped a tear that had escaped down my cheek. “Why did you stop being my mom?”

  “Honey, I never stopped . . .”

  “Stop lying! Stop trying to work your way out of this. I’m not your client. I’m your daughter, in case you’ve forgotten. Any time I need to talk to you, any time I just want to tell you about my day, you’re busy with work.”

  Heat climbed up her neck to her cheeks. “It’s been super busy . . .”

  “For two years! It’s been super busy for two whole years, Mom.” I wiped away another stray tear. “Why did you stop caring about me? About Seth? We need you, and you’re never around. Even when you’re physically here, you’re not mentally.” I took a few deep breaths to steady myself. “If it has hurt Seth and me this badly, I don’t even want to think about what it’s done to Dad.”

  A flicker of life came to her eyes. “I got this job when your dad got injured! I’m trying to make money and provide for our family! You never said anything like this to your father when he was out on deployment.”

  I shrieked out my annoyance. “Mom, deployment doesn’t even compare to this! Plus, Dad got a new job over a year ago. Unless you two have some secret gambling addiction, we’re fine. You don’t have to work so hard!” I pointed a finger at her. “It’s your choice. You’re choosing to stay busy.” I backed toward the door. “I’ve been quiet for way too long, hoping my mom would come back to me. But you’re too blind to even see the truth.” I opened the door. “You know what? Forget it. I’ve gone this long without you, I guess I can survive the rest of my life that way, too.” I spun around and left a stunned Mom in her office.

  I bolted upstairs, passing Dad, who was standing in the hallway with tears in his eyes, and ran straight for my room, slamming the door behind him.

  I picked up my phone, wanting to talk to someone. Instead of calling Kaitlyn or Hayley, I found myself searching for Liam’s number in my phone and pressing call.

  Excited nerves settled into my stomach at the thought of hearing his voice. It was then that I realized how much I liked him, more than just as a friend.

  I wasn’t sure if he’d answer my call. It wasn’t like I’d given him a lot of time to digest everything.

  But he picked up on the third ring. “What?”

  I drew in a shaky breath. “Can we meet somewhere?” My words were slurred and mumbled together.

  His tone softened. “Calm down, Camille. I can’t understand you. Take some deep breaths.”

  I took a few, and then took a few more, before I could really speak. “Can I come over? I need to talk to someone.”

  His tone hardened again. “Call Alejandro. Or Isaac. Or Mason. Or Brady.” His words rammed into my chest, and I choked on a sob.

  He was so right. I was an idiot to be calling, but it was his voice I wanted to hear. He was always able to calm me down.

  I covered my mouth with my hand, holding in the cries. I had to be strong. I was strong. I swallowed down my pain. “You’re right. Sorry, Liam.” I hung up and fell backward onto my bed. What was wrong with me? After everything that had happened, why was I falling for another guy? I was an idiot.

  I powered off my phone, set it on my nightstand, popped in my earbuds, found Maroon 5, and curled up on my bed. I could figure things out on my own. I didn’t need anyone else. Not Liam, not my mom, not anyone.

  I was strong.

  Chapter 34

  I’d fallen asleep sprawled out on my bed, still dressed in my day clothes. My music had shut off at some point. I ran out of battery.

  A clink sounded at my window, waking me from my restless sleep. Rubbing my eyes, I pushed myself from the bed and shuffled to the window. Another tiny rock hit my window right before I opened it.

  I wasn’t sure exactly who I was expecting on the other side. I’d shut off my phone so no one could contact me. Hayley and Kaitlyn would have gone through the front door if it was open. They’d call my dad if they had to.

  A small part of me hoped to see Liam. Maybe he realized how harsh he’d been on me and wanted to apologize.

  What I wasn’t expecting, though, was Dylan. I leaned my arms on the window sill. “What are you doing?” I checked my watch. It was just after midnight.

  Dylan craned his neck to look up at me. He was shadowed by our large oak tree. “I tried calling you, but it went straight to voicemail. Can I come up?”

  I shook my head. “I’m not letting you in my room after midnight, Dylan.” Somehow, another picture would pop up on social media, #makeuphookup. Lame.

  “Then will you come down? We need to talk.”

  I pressed my palm to my mouth, stifling a yawn. I really wasn’t in the mood to talk to Dylan. What did he even want? If he thought we’d get back together now, he was out of his mind. I hoped he didn’t see all the pictures and think I’d loosened up and was ready to go past kissing. That was the last thing I needed. My hormones needed time to chill, not get all criss-crossed.

  “Dylan, go home. Whatever it is can wait until the morning. Or until school starts in the fall.” I really didn’t want to talk to him before that. But I couldn’t avoid him at school forever. I put my hands on my window, about to lower it, when he spoke and made me pause.

  “I’m worried about you.”

  My arms stayed raised in shock. “Worried about me? Why?”

  He shifted uncomfortably and stuffed his hands in his pockets. He glanced around before he turned his attention back to me. “Can you come down here? I don’t want to shout.”

  I finally lowered my arms, and then folded them. “You’re not shouting, and I’m not coming down.” After everything that had happened to me, meeting a guy in the middle of the night outside of my house was just as bad as letting him in my room. And more likely for someone to snap a picture. “Why would you be worried about me?”

  He sighed. “I saw all the pictures online. That’s not you, Camille.”

  “Thanks for your opinion, but it doesn’t matter.”

  His tone was soft. “You’re acting out. Listen, I know it must have been hard to lose me, and then see me with someone else, but . . .”

  I bit back a bitter laugh. “Are you serious? You think all of this is about you?” A part of it was, yes, but not in the way he thought. It wasn’t about losing him, and honestly, it wasn’t completely about him saying I was a bad kisser. It was about proving that I was worth something. That someone out there valued me. I’d just gone about it the completely wrong way.

  “Of course it is,” he said. “You don’t need to try to save face here. Breakups are hard.”

  Wow. Dylan really was acting like he was Marius and I was Éponine from Les Misérables. I didn’t care that he ended up with Cosette. All I knew was that I was so not
going to end up dead at the end.

  I rested my palms on the window sill and leaned my head out of the window. “Dylan, you’re an idiot. I knew you loved yourself, but I didn’t know you were in love with yourself. When did you get such a big head?” Maybe he’d always had it, and I was too much in lust to notice.

  He frowned. “Stop trying to turn the focus, Camille. This is about you and the fact that you’re lashing out. I’m worried that something will happen to you. There are a lot of creeps out there, and you’re giving them golden opportunities to take advantage of you.”

  “Wow, look at you, so caring. You actually sound worried about my wellbeing.”

  “Of course I am!” He took a few breaths to calm himself. “Don’t act like our relationship meant nothing. We had something good, it just didn’t last, like all relationships.”

  The rational part of my brain knew there was truth in what he was saying, but there was a small part that needed to defend myself. “Not all relationships end, stupid. There are plenty of people who stay together until they die.” That was actually what I wanted. A meaningful relationship with someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Obviously, it would take a few failed relationships before I found the one that stuck.

  “We’re talking high school here,” he said, annoyed.

  “Dylan, I’m not having this debate, or any debate, with you. Please don’t stop by again, especially in the middle of the night.”

  “If you kept your phone on, I wouldn’t be out here!”

  I growled on the inside. We were sounding like an old married couple on the verge of destruction. “I don’t want to talk to you, either. Or text. We’re over. Instead of throwing rocks at my window like in a freaking Taylor Swift song, maybe you should focus on your new girlfriend.”

  “This has nothing to do with her.” He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. “This has to do with you acting like someone you’re not. I just want you to be careful.”